I Came Out To My Mom As Gay, But She Still Doesn’t Know I’m Also Transgender
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I noticed that something was wrong with me when I was in my first relationship with a girl. I knew that I’m gay since I was 13 and I’ve always loved being a tomboy. I hated playing a cute and fragile girlfriend as I did before while dating guys, forcing myself to wear girly clothes and act ‘cute’. That’s why I saw myself as ‘a boyfriend’ in this new relationship. So, soon as I realized that I’ve never felt comfortable being in my own body, I just started hating it. I was really worried so I started reading articles about gender dysphoria. Then it finally clicked - I’m transgender. I was so scared… But at the same time, I felt relieved. I could stop pretending that I was somebody else. I stopped wearing skirts, makeup, and started wearing men’s clothes and a binder. But well, my mom wasn’t happy about it.
The thing is, my mom only knows that I’m gay. I suddenly came out to her when we were talking about a movie about homosexuals called “Beats Per Minute”. We had a long discussion and she just asked me: "Are you... too?” She wasn't able to say the word ‘gay’. When I answered ‘Yes’, she didn’t say the usual stuff like, "It's a phase". She took a moment to think and said that it’s hard for her to understand but she respects my choice. But you see, my mom still doesn’t know that I’m transgender. She hates my boyish clothes but one day, she noticed that something was wrong with my chest. My mom had no idea that I was wearing a binder. She thought it’s a sports bra and immediately decided that we would go buy a ‘normal’ one. So, the next day we went to the store. I was so uncomfortable entering it... But I had promised myself to make an effort for my mom. So, I took the simplest bra and went to the fitting room. It was horrible. I was crying while I was putting the bra on. I asked myself, "Why I just can't be like everyone else and love my body?" I just couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. My mom came to check if the bra was ok and when the salesgirl came, it became even worse. She said: “Oh, she has large breasts”. My mom told her that I didn't like it and the salesgirl said: “Don’t worry, she will be proud of them later on. Boys will love it!” I just wanted to run out of the fitting room and scream: "I will never be proud of it because I AM a boy!" But I said nothing... Later, my mom told me she was afraid that I wanted to be a boy. I just replied: "I don't want to become a boy, mom. I’ve always loved being a tomboy, but I'm a girl and I like that." Well, that was the biggest lie I’ve ever told her.
But today, things are slowly changing. Not long ago, I talked to my mom about LGBTQ+ and she wanted me to explain what "transgender" actually meant. I told her so much about it and I was so excited that she surely understood that I AM transgender. Eventually, she said, "I'm not going to ask you what you are because I'm not ready to hear it yet." That meant she knew I'm different but it's too early for her. I think it's kind of a coming out for me and I feel relieved.
And well, if you’re dealing with gender dysphoria, I just want to say: be patient. It may be hard for you, but you also should understand it’s difficult for your parents as well. As for me... I just want to wait until I am fully comfortable with my own body. Then I will be able to fully come out as transgender. And I hope my mom will be ok with that.
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